Once you see what it's like inside my head, you'll want out immediately

A friend messaged me with an early HappyBirthday. And, you know, I'd totally forgotten that my birthday is coming up! Lately, the passage of years has been measured by Smudge events, not birthdays.

So, in a few days I'll be over 40. (Thanks for reminding me, Colin!) When I was in my 20's I thought that by the time I was old (ie: in my 40's! Ha!) I'd be settled and content and have worked all the kinks out of my life. I thought I'd be "all set". But, at this "old" stage of my life, I find myself - among a few other life "stuffs" - in a very strange place. An UNsettled place. A place I hadn't anticipated.

This is what one corner of that UNsettled place looks like: I have a book published and on the verge of being press released to various media outlets. I'm up to my eyeballs in the follow-up book and am afraid to blink in case the plot points I'm struggling with get caught in my lashes. I'm returning to my teaching job next week (You know, the job that pays. Sort of sometimes.) and am wondering how I'm ever going to finish this second book by the end of the year when the first one took me six years.

I've had people tell me they (or someone they know) would kill to be in my shoes. But for some reason, the place I find myself in is a place where I'm totally overwhelmed and anxious about all of it. So many unknowns. So many unanswered (or unanswerable?) questions. So, I'm asking myself this question:

Is this what I want to do the rest of my life?

And I answer that question with another question:

What kind of a question is that? It took you 40 years to get here, why on earth would you want to quit now?

And then I answer:

I didn't say I wanted to quit. I just asked if this is what I want to do the rest of my life: Dividing the hours of my days between my passion (writing) and a paycheck. It's like working two full-time jobs, you know. And there's LIFE to be lived besides all that, too. I have a family. Do I really have what it takes to keep this up?

I answer with another question:

Do you have what it takes to NOT keep it up?

What kind of a stupid question is that?

Are you calling me stupid?

No. Well, maybe.

Okay, smartass. Think about this: What are your options?

I have options?

You always have options.

Like what?

Option one: quit your paycheck and devote your time to your passion.

That's not an option! I can't live without a paycheck!

Option two: quit your passion and devote your time to your paycheck.

That's not an option either! I couldn't live without my passion! See, I knew there were no options! You are stupid!

Option three: quit worrying about whether or not this is what you want to do the rest of your life when clearly you won't give up either one. Simply put: You don't have what it takes to NOT keep it up. So.... earn your paycheck so you can live and work on your passion so you can have a sense of fulfillment in that life. Problem solved.

Uh. Right. I knew that.

*Note: this is what happens when you've grown up as an only child and had no siblings or grandparents to talk to about stuff.

42

A writer friend of mine says she gets book related dreams all the time. I asked her how this is possible as I have never, ever had a dream that was even remotely related to my books. (Actually, my dreams are very rarely remotely related to anything, including basic levels of logic)

She told me that just before she goes to bed she asks her character a question and then she has a dream in which the answer becomes aparent, in a round-about sort of way.

So I thought I'd try it.

See, my main character is in a bit of a bind. He has been for quite some time and I just can't seem to help him out. He's been told that he can't leave the place he's in. The problem with that is that I don't know why. I don't know why my main character was told by a secondary character that everything has changed and therefore he can't leave. You'd think that if anyone should know the answer to that, it would be the author! Ummm... no. I never know how my story is going to turn out. (I keep trying to convince myself that's a good thing: I mean if I can't even predict what's going to happen, my readers won't be able to either! Well, I suppose it's a good thing when it's all said and done and bound in a nice shiny hardcover, but it's often a terrible pain in the butt when I'm trying to write the darned thing!)

Anyway, I thought I'd try my writer friend's trick. Last night, right after I'd turned the light out, I asked that secondary character a question. It was a brilliant question that went something like this:

"So, uh, why can't he leave?"

I fell asleep with a smug smile on my face, thinking I'd most definitely tricked my subconscious into revealing the answer to me in living color as I slept.

Well, I dreamed all night! Seriously. But it was probably the worst sleep I've had in a while - I think I woke up about a million times. Each time I woke up I thought, "Yes! I'm dreaming and it's all going to make sense in the morning!"

Well, when I finally woke up for real (like when the sun was up) I couldn't remember a blessed thing! Well, besides the fact that I'd been dreaming all night and woke up about a million times.

The only other thing that came to mind was this:

42.

Seriously.

So, there was definitely some subconscious stuff going on in my cranium last night, but it all amounted to 42: hardly original.

I suppose I was asking the wrong question. Which is hardly original as well.

Are you sad?

I read somewhere that there's nothing sadder than an author's old blog. So, to avoid breaking the hearts of and causing misery to my readers (???) I've decided to post something today.

Right.

So anyway, the journey of this new author continues...

My publisher has kindly afforded me a publicist who will be working with me here, in Toronto. The funny thing (or not so funny, depending on how you look at it) is that she has the exact same name as my son's grade 4 teacher. And it's not a terribly common name, either. I had my fingers crossed that she wasn't the same person, 'cause, well, she might not have wanted to represent me if she happened to be the same person who sat across from me and had very little good to say all those years ago. What is it with teachers who can't find anything positive to say about their students? Well, that's a whole other topic - which will never be discussed here. I'm still a tad bitter, as you might be able to tell. That's why I was hoping for the name thing to just be a coincidence.

Well, luckily for me, the moment I spoke with her on the phone I realized that they're NOT the same person. (the lovely South African accent gave it away) Did I ever sigh a huge sigh of relief. And she told me she loves Smudge! (My son's grade 4 teacher would never have said that. She didn't like anything.) Anyway, I'm really excited to be working with her and am looking forward to what lies ahead. She exudes such optimism and energy - even over the phone - that I'm so confident she's going to do a fabulous job and get Smudge's name in front of people.

I've also 'virtually' met my U.S. publicist. She'll be working with me for Smudge's 2010 U.S. launch. She also seems like a truly fantastic person to have on my side and I'm excited to see how the U.S. market will welcome Smudge.

In the meantime, I've been preparing for Smudge's official launch that will take place on September 17 @ 7 pm at the McNally Robinson Bookstore in the Shops at Don Mills. I've also attended a massive family reunion this month, been organizing several author events at Chapters stores across the GTA that will happen after the Sept. 17th launch, and I've also been furiously putting the pieces of my second book together in hopes of having it polished and sparkly by Nov. 1st.

Who says teachers get their summers off?

So there you have it. I hope I've made my readers happy again. :)

Hi, my name is Claudia. Nice to meet you.

It's amazing how life can zip by at times. This is one of those times for me. As I try to focus on putting the pieces of my second book together, I am also caught up in the excitement (and frustrations) that come with having my first book out. Add to that preparations for a book launch, my husband's career change, and a summer of family reunions; I'm in the middle of a chunk of my life where I'm having a hard time keeping track of what's going on and when. Just put it this way: when I opened my eyes this morning, I realized it was August!

So, please forgive my infrequent posts. And the way I seem to have fallen off the map. Be assured that I am still here, clinging to the edge of my piece of the globe in hopes I don't spin right off into the cosmos. (Although, come to think of it, it would be a lot more peaceful and quiet out there, wouldn't it?)

Anyway, I'll do my best to drop in from time to time to say hi and let you know what's happening in my and Smudge's life. And soon I hope to include some news as to how my next book is going.

Peace out.

Rumors

So, I was hearing these rumors, see. And when you keep hearing the same rumors over and over again, well, you just have to confirm them for yourself, right? I mean, you can't go on forever just taking the word of people who call you up or email you to tell you the juicy news. There comes a point where you just have to go see it for yourself.

Well, today was the day. I finally caved and went to see for myself if the rumors I was hearing were true. I got in the car and drove. When I parked, I thought I was going to be sick. I felt all light-headed and dizzy. My hands are sweating right now as I type, just thinking about it.

"Do NOT make a scene," I say to my husband as we park the car.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

I roll my eyes.

I pulled myself out of the car and somehow got my feet to walk me up to the door. I don't remember opening the door or even how I got to the spot I needed to go - I just got there. And when I did, my eyes went on autopilot and frantically started scanning the shelves.

Holy smokes! Since when did Chapters get so many darned books? I thought to myself as my heart did flips and my eyes started drying out for lack of blinking. It's not here. It's not here. I knew it wouldn't be...

Ack! There's my book!! Right there on the shelf above Eragon!! Somebody catch me!

A young girl was sitting on the floor right by the shelf browsing through the books. "What kinds of books do you like to read?" my husband asks her.

I knew I should have left him at home.

She looks at him like any normal person would look at a complete stranger asking her what kinds of books she likes to read and says, "I don't know," in a very pre-teen girl kind of way.

"This one's really good," says my husband, pulling Smudge's Mark from the shelf.

The girl stands up and walks away.

So do I.

Then I hear him taking pictures. Gotta love his enthusiasm.

Anyway, the rumors are true: Smudge has made an early appearance on some shelves at Chapters. So the next time you go there, take a look and see if you can find a copy. And if you see that poor pre-teen girl my husband scared off, please apologize for me.

Real Life?

A friend emailed today and told me I've been neglecting my 'real life'.

By that she meant this blog. (I think)

Well, whatever she meant it got me thinking.

Maybe I have been neglecting this real life. But, maybe I've been neglecting my real real life, too. I'm seriously starting to think I need to completely unplug for a few days and breath.

But can I do it? Can I really do it? I mean, how will I know what all my "friends" are tweeting about? What if I miss out on something? And what if I have something really clever to tweet myself? All of my 133 friends will miss out, then.

And how will I survive not checking how well Smudge's Mark is doing in the Amazon sales ranking? I mean, so what if no one on the planet - other than the mute and hidden gods of Amazon - knows what the ranking system means; I still want to know. Every day.

And how can I live without the Yahoo news headlines? I mean, think about it. If I'd unplugged myself yesterday, I'd totally have missed out on seeing Lady GaGa's flaming brazier today.

And how would I survive without my email account? I mean, what if I get a rejection email from one of the agents I've queried. I sure wouldn't want to miss out on that, not even for one day! I've been waiting so long for those!

"Real life", or real real life?

Hmmmm...

It's a real, live book!

The day has finally arrived.

Just as I was starting to think it was all just a huge, cruel, elaborate hoax... a cartonful of my very own book arrived on my doorstep this afternoon! And, just as it is so often with me, after the three year long process and waiting for what seemed like forever to get this baby in my hands, when the moment finally arrived, I was in the shower! Sheesh! Good thing hubby was home to open the door for the delivery guy. He told the delivery guy it was lucky for him I didn't open the door or I might have jumped him and kissed him. Delivery guy said he'd be back.

Anyway, the book. It's here. It's awesome. And apparently the amazon orders have been sent out, too, so soon some of you will hold in your hands the incarnation of my blood, sweat, and tears of the last few years. I hope you enjoy the story.

I'm now fighting off a headache before we go out to celebrate. I live totally and completely in the moment, which often leads to my head feeling like it's going to split open due to the intensity of the moment in which I'm living. If I knew I'd be getting the books today, I'd have prepared myself the way I usually do when anticipating an emotional and exciting event: by loading up on Advil, pre-moment. But this is one headache that I'm not going to complain about. It couldn't have come soon enough.

When you finally crack open the cover of Smudge's Mark, and invest your time in reading it, I'd love to hear from you. Let me know what you think.

Now, on to the celebration!